What Were You Thinking? The Worst Ideas In Hellraiser (1987)

Frank Cotton, the brother of Larry, is a louche guy who got bored with sex. What does he do? He seeks out a mysterious puzzle box that is the doorway to unheard of pleasures. Frank, no. If the pleasures are unheard of on Earth, there's probably a good reason for that. Namely, they aren't the kind of pleasures that one usually survives. Also, why are you so sweaty all the time? Maybe you should get that problem looked at by a doctor? Oh, wait.

Julia is another person who got bored even before marrying Larry. She cheated on Larry with his brother Frank, which is all kinds of wrong. That is unwise for a host of reasons, but mainly that the hot bad boy thing that attracts you means that he is a bad guy and will betray you. He's not in love with you. He doesn't care. Also, do you know what they say about bored people? They are boring. It's you, not Larry.

Okay, so you went through with it, Julia. You married the nice guy, and the marriage isn't going so well because you didn't want to marry him in the first place. When you move to England to stay in your husband's family home, which appears to have been the last place Frank stayed, if the floor slurps up blood, there may be a problem. If the skinless carcass of your beloved bad boy starts asking you to pick up strangers for him to eat, I think you should probably talk to that husband of yours. I'm just saying this situation does not sound like it will end well.

A slight digression: Larry's daughter from a previous marriage, Kirsty, played by Ashley Laurence, makes the best of a terrible fate. When she accidentally calls the Cenobites, she makes a deal with them to give them her uncle Frank who is probably a first among their victims. She shoots her shot against some of the most horrifying creatures in Monsterdom and wins a reprieve. She doesn't trust Julia or Frank when he appears. Kirsty is great and makes good decisions, especially this hat. I love this hat for her.

Just a general note for horny dudes out there. If a smoking hot woman lets you chat her up at a bar, is all too willing to take you to her creepy looking home, and insists on taking you to an upstairs floor that clearly isn't the bedroom, you've made the wrong decision.

Actually, this note includes Kirsty. If you find a cool-looking puzzle box that looks like it costs a lot of money and falls into your hands, or you grab it away from your undead uncle, maybe don't try and solve it. Curiosity can compel you to try things out, but think about what happened to your undead uncle and wonder how he got that way. Since he was so upset about you taking the puzzle box, maybe the box has something to do with it. Just leave it alone and call the cops.

If you see this guy? Run.

I know that Pinhead looks really kind of sympathetic when he's got a key light and he's looking a bit pensive, but don't let his appearance fool you. This is supernatural entity who wants to spend eternity tormenting you. Grab that puzzle box, reverse the order and send him and his Cenobite pals packing. Thank me later.